I’ve just read a post on the FB page of the same name as this post – It’s okay, not to be okay post stories and support for and about Astralian men battling (and too often the ultimate victims of) depression. 

The story I read was exceptionally well written by the partner of a man whose depression overwhelmed him. Nicole’s pain was heightened by the fact that the notification of his death, by police accompanied by her mum, occurred hours after the birth of their baby. 

For me, the biggest takeaway message was a regret expressed to Nicole by one of Pat’s friends:

None of Pat’s friends were aware he’s suffered from depression…

One of his mates told me how much he wish[ed] he knew Pat had suffered, as [he] was a sufferer too and wished they could have talked about it. 

This is the silence that makes so many people with depression, particularly men, think they’re alone – not Pat’s mate, but society’s silence. And I understand it – for 29 years I told nobody of my episodic, far less malignant, depression, which is a long overdue story for another post. 

Though saddened and troubled by this account, what stirred me to write this post were the comments from people who, despite Nicole’s clear descriptions of Pat’s pain, still saw his death as “weak,” “selfish,” “a coward’s act,” and not something anyone would do if they really loved those they leave behind. 

MRI and PET scan imaging shows that major depression alters the way our brains work – it’s not something you can overcome through strength of will, fortitude, determination, or the live and support of those around you, and more than these would stop asthma or diabetes. 

This outcome may have been different if Pat had help (antidepressants, therapy, inpatient care in crisis, even much maligned but sometimes invaluable ECT), but mental ill health is so strongly stigmatised, and this ‘snap out of it’ mentality so prevalent, that he fought alone. 

For many people with major depression, the utter bleakness and pain of living is overwhelming. They may think their existence is a burden on those they love, that everyone would be better off without them. They’re wrong, but that feels so true they believe it. Surviving every day takes more work and courage for some people than many of these commenters will ever need to draw on. 

(by Matthew Johnstone, for SANE)

For people who still can’t or don’t get that, know this – first, you are luckier than you realise. Second, if you don’t understand, shut up. Your uninformed opinions about depression are not just unhelpful, they’re actively damaging to those surviving with depression, and those left behind when the disease was too much. 

If anything here has distressed you, or prompted you to seek help:
(Vic) SuicideLine 1300 651 251
(Aus) LifeLine 13 11 14
(Aus) SANE Australia 1800 18 72 63 (business hours, AEST)
(Aus) Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
(Aus) Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800